Graduation Parties - the BANE of every Hard of Hearing person's existence

So, recently, we had a graduation party for a cousin of mine, and I attended said party. Now, I love my family, but I did not want to go. However, it's a graduation for a close family member, so I'm obliged to go to support them.

Now, a party for everyone else is a fun social time. For a HOH person, it's just another reminder of what we're missing out on. Someone talks to you, you sign and voice back, and they look at you like you've just announced that you have a highly contagious disease, or like they've discovered that you're a blithering idiot, and they walk away. That or you become the "special" family member that everyone is asking questions from; which, I suppose is ok, if it's about Deaf culture, but for a Hard of Hearing Introvert, well, misery ensues.

What makes it miserable? Well, as my pastor always says, "I'm glad you asked."

The first misery is that it's just too loud. A HOH person needs to have everything else quiet or else the words just blur into into the background, with occasional words or phrases, and if you're lucky, complete sentences, standing out from the background of incomprehensible words. Everything sounds like rocks in a grinder, or like a stone mortar and pestle being used. Even worse if there's background music, which there was in different parts of the house.

Upload.wikimedia.org,. N.p., 2015. Web. 16 June 2015.

Then, someone introduces themselves. You say hi, and sign "nice to meet you" while voicing, so that they know you're Deaf or HOH. If you're lucky they sign back, or at least continue talking with you. If not, they look at you like you've just become beneath their dignity, or at least not worth the effort of talking with, and they walk away.

Now, if you find someone who signs, it's delightful. Even if they're newer, or it's been a long time, they are generally excited to sign with you, and it can be so much fun. I got to sign with a young mother and she not only enjoyed the chat, but she explained why I was signing to her children, using it as a teaching experience. She was teaching them about Deaf/HOH and was helping them understand me. It was very cool!

However, sometimes, hearing people are really enthusiastic to meet you. VERY enthusiastic. Especially if you can speak. I think I got grilled on my deafness, knowledge of Deaf culture and ASL for at least half an hour by an older gentleman. Let me tell you, it was frustrating and yet kinda cool at the same time. Weird how those two can go hand in hand sometimes. It was cool that he wanted to know about Deaf culture, but he was so annoyingly intent on learning it that I couldn't even talk with anyone else. I felt like I was being interrogated. At one point, it wasn't just one guy, it was four or five people, and the rest of the time there were people coming in and out listening and asking questions. Oh my word, so exhausting. Especially when you're Deaf/HOH, and introverted (the definition of introverted here being that I recharge when I'm worn out by doing solo activities, generally creative things, while being social drains me like you wouldn't believe.).

Oh, and pet peeve; DON'T LOOK DOWN WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO ME, OR WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU! Just, don't. If it's when you're talking and I'm trying to listen, I can't lip read you, and probably can't hear you if your face has something between me and you. And if it's when I'm talking, I think you're not listening. In Deaf culture, it's EXTREMELY rude to look away when someone is talking, and continue looking away. I don't know about glancing away for half a second if  movement catches your eye, but I know that for me, I get frustrated when I don't see your eyes and mouth when I'm talking with you. Just...look me in the eye, PLEASE.

In short, if you have a HOH friend for family member, and they want to skip your party, let them. PLEASE, have mercy on them. It is not fun. 

Glory To GOD

I hate being hard of hearing sometimes. I'll just say that straight up. I'm tired of struggling to hear people, I'm tired of having to explain, and I'm just tired of trying to hear. It's truly exhausting. Am I ashamed of being hard of hearing? Well, no. But I'm just plain tired of the struggle. It gets old.

But look at these verses:

Psalm 139:13-16;
 "For YOU formed my inward parts;
YOU wove me in my mother’s womb.14  I will give thanks to YOU, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are YOUR works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from YOU,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;16 
YOUR eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in YOUR book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.(NASB)"

John 9:1-3; "As HE passed by, HE saw a man blind from birth. 2 And HIS disciples asked HIM, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind? 3 JESUS answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of GOD might be displayed in him.(NASB)"

1 Corinthians 1:26-28; "For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; 27 but GOD has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and GOD has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong,28 and the base things of the world and the despised GOD has chosen, the things that are not, so that HE may nullify the things that are. (NASB)"

2 Corinthians 12:9; " But HE said to me, “MY grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is

made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of CHRIST may rest upon me."

~~~

Did you catch that? HE MADE ME. This is not a deistic view of human creation, where GOD set the world in motion and human birth is just a common natural process. HE MADE ME. HE FORMED me. I was MADE this way with a purpose. I was "skillfully wrought." Not a mistake, not an accident, but created purposefully by a perfect GOD.

Why was I made this way?  It was "so that the works of GOD might be displayed" in me. Because HE chose me to shame the strong and to nullify the things that are by displaying HIS glory through me. My deafness is not about a mistake; it's about a divine and holy purpose set in motion to glorify GOD.

Does this mean that GOD did this solely for my good, like in Jeremiah 29:11? ("For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." ESV) No, because that was a promise to the Israelites in the Sinaitic covenant. That promise is not valid for Christians. JESUS said in John 16:33b, "In the world you will have tribulation...(ESV)" Not might, WILL. So this is not about GOD doing something for me to make my life easier. Believe me, it's not easier.

This is solely for the glory of GOD, so that what HE does through me can only be contributed to HIM, for HIS glory and HIS honor. HE made me hard of hearing so that when I serve HIM and others see, they will realize and understand that it is not through my hearing, my ability that I do things. It is so that they realize that it is GOD who is working, and not me, and give glory, honor and praise to HIM. I am Deaf/HOH solely for the glory of GOD, and I am thankful.

Why am I thankful? Because my struggles will not be wasted in meaningless despair. They will be used to glorify GOD and honor HIM. So I am not cursed with a disability, but blessed with an opportunity to glorify GOD, even though it is hard.

Trouble with Hearing People on Singing

So, I'm known at my college for singing, pretty much anywhere I go. It's just what I do. I do it to relax, I do it for fun, (I do it to show off, naughty me), and I do it because of the awesome acoustics the buildings have.  It's just something that I've done for years. The staff actually seem to enjoy it and it's fun.

The trouble comes in when people don't believe me when I say I am partially Deaf. They think I'm kidding. They don't understand that I will probably be able to hear myself longer than I will be able to hear them, and as I long as I can hear my own voice echoing through my bones into my ears, I will probably be able to still sing pretty well.

Now, the actual singing is pretty easy. The trouble comes in when someone introduces me to another person, or someone approaches me, and I can't hear them. It can get a little awkward.

Here's a perfect example:
Lady: "This is Kiwi. She has an amazing voice!" {Not my words, her words.]
Gent: "Oh, wow! Cool! Wejfdj.....[I can't understand him]."
Me: "Um, could you speak up? I'm half deaf."
Gent: "hahaha...Right!"
Me: "No...I'm literally..half deaf."
Gent: "Oh...." [He looks away and awkwardly ends the conversation.}

This actually isn't too uncommon. I say I'm half deaf or I can't hear them, and they think I'm joking. For me, this generally isn't too awkward unless I can't get them to speak up. However, for hearing people, this just seems to be a major conversation stopper. It's kind of like:
"Hey, I'm Deaf! I can't hear you! Please speak up!"
"Oh...hey...Deaf. ok. Um, oh, look at the time! I gotta go."

Why does being Deaf have to end a conversation? I can still hear a lot of things, I just need you to speak up. Don't walk away. This isn't awkward unless you make it be. I guess it just gets to me. It feels like, a minute ago I was just another gal who could apparently sing, and now it's as if I'm not even worth the effort to simply raise your voice and repeat yourself. I feel snubbed.

How to get the attention of the Deaf without startling them

One of the big questions people have when they first meet a Deaf person is, how do you get their attention if they're not looking at you? With hearing people you can just clear your throat and they'll look up. But with a Deaf you could literally shout and they'll just keep doing what they were doing. They can't hear you, so how do you get their attention?

Well, what you don't do is you don't toss something at the back of their head to get their attention. No. Definitely don't do that. And don't run and suddenly grab them, because you might scare them, and you might get a very bad reaction. If someone ran up to me and grabbed me, I would probably shriek in fear and probably try to beat them off with the nearest thing I could reach. Definitely not a good way to get their attention. 

So, how DO you get a Deaf's attention? Well, here's how: 

If you're in front of them, and they're looking down, you put your hand just into their range of vision and gently wave up and down. Not right in front of their eyes, mind you. Just just right in their peripheral vision where they can catch the motion. So, say they're reading, you put your hand to the side of their book and waggle it up and down. You don't cover what they're doing, but you're getting their attention. 

If you're behind them, you gently come up and tap their shoulder twice. Twice is important, because one tap they'll think is just a bump, and three or more times signals that there's something urgent that needs their attention now, like a fire.

If you're in a crowded room, you either wave across the room, high enough for them to see, or you ask someone near them to tap them twice and point to you. 

Basically, keep calm and don't startle them.  

Computers and those Blasted pop-up ads

Most people know the irritation of having multiple tabs open on the computer, and suddenly, something starts playing on one. Then you have to start clicking through your tabs, going, nope, not that one. Nope. Nope. Nope. OH! THERE! BYEEE!

Now, when you can't hear very well on one side, or can't hear at all one side, you don't always know it's actually the computer. This is because without having two ears that hear well, you can't pinpoint very well where the sound comes from. If it's loud enough and a constant sound, you can possibly find it by wagging your head back and forth, using how loud it is in certain directions to help you find out where it is. (Louder....louder...lou...no, no, quieter...back that way. Louder...louder...louder...THERE it is.) This can actually take a while. But what if an advertisement pops up and it's not a sound you can easily follow? Well, basically, you gotta search the house to make sure it's not the computer, and then come back to the computer and smack yourself in the head for not figuring it out sooner. 

Technology is definitely interesting when you can only hear part of it. I will freely admit that.

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" (story)

The story of how we discovered I was unilaterally Deaf was actually pretty funny. I was with my family at Church. During a quiet pause in the service I guess I was misbehaving or something, so Mum leaned over to whisper something into my Deaf ear, and I piped up in my high-pitched , lil' 9 year old voice and hollered ,"WHAT? I can't hear you!"...Did I mention that the room was silent at that moment? Oh, yes, and Mum wanted to sink right through the floor.

TADA! There you go! There's why I did things a little differently! I was unilaterally Deaf! Still am, now that I think about it.

Anyhow, it was actually pretty funny. You see, when I was a lil' gal, they didn't do single ear hearing tests. They tested both ears at the same time. Back then I had really good hearing in my right ear, so I just slipped under the radar. Mum and my grandmother suspected hearing loss, but no one really thought to consider that I could be Deaf in only one ear. It's not something most folks consider. Most people think that the only options are profound Deafness (stone Deaf), Hard of Hearing in both ears, or just hearing. So we didn't figure out that I was Deaf on one side until I was 9.

The Invisible Difference

When you're unilaterally Deaf,  sometimes you can get some really odd thoughts about your Deaf ear. In my case, sometimes I look at my Deaf ear and think,  "Why do we even HAVE that ear?" It's kinda like a disco ball in a car. It looks nice, but really, it serves no legitimate purpose other than something to hang stuff from, or to keep my sunglasses from falling off my face.
Maybe I could use it for party gags. See who can shout loud enough to make me flinch. Winner gets coffee. I'd win. every. single. time.

But in all seriousness, though, there are difficulties to being Hard of Hearing or Deaf. You see, you can't tell when someone's Deaf or Hard of Hearing just by looking at them. We don't have signs that say we can't hear, and there's no outward physical difference between us and other people. This can make it difficult at times because sometimes people don't believe you that you're Deaf or Hard of Hearing. This can lead to some stressful situations, because people think you're lying to get attention, or to pull a prank. Sometimes people say things like, "Well, you don't look Deaf," or "You don't look Hard of Hearing." Well, no, we don't...we're still human and that doesn't change with whether or not we hear.

This is especially true for post-lingual Deaf or Hard of Hearing. Post lingual means that you became Deaf or Hard of Hearing after you had learned how to speak. You see, not all Deaf or Hard of Hearing were born Deaf or Hard of Hearing, but instead, become so later in life. The clearer your speech, the less likely you are to be believed about your being Deaf or Hard of Hearing.

I grew up with kids constantly asking me, "Are you really Deaf in one ear?  Can you really not hear out of it?" And, oh, I so badly wanted to say, "No, I lied. I just wanted you to keep pestering me about whether or not I was Deaf in that ear." Even as an adult, when I tell people that I'm Deaf in one ear, I get people who doubt me. That's actually part of the reason why I got hearing aids (the other part being that they are, actually, quite useful for conversations, if you hadn't guessed that). If you take a hearing aid out of your ear and show it to them, most people will be convinced that you're not lying. It can get old, and for the person who really isn't lying, it can be very stressful.

So if you come across someone who says they're Deaf or Hard of Hearing, please do them the courtesy of believing them. Most people who say they can't hear you aren't lying and your believing them will be a wonderful blessing.