Never hearing silence

Most people think that Deafness means silence. No sound whatsoever. And that going deaf (physical deafness) means that sound gradually fades out, and that is all there is to it. Most people never talk about tinnitus.

As you know, I was born deaf on one side, and now have lost some hearing on my right side. What I expected was that the more deaf I became, the quieter my world would be. And most of the time that holds true.

However, what is most surprising in all that, is that I have never actually heard complete silence. To me, silence has been everything going quiet with a small, high pitched ringing in the background. My world has gotten quieter, but I still have sound in it, but it's not externally generated. My own ears and nerves are generating sound and it's kind of weird and a bit annoying.

Oh, and by the way, tinnitus isn't always high pitched ringing. Sometimes it is, yes. But sometimes it's a low pitched grinding noise which sounds like you have a base chord on an electric guitar being strummed while you're sitting next to a rock grinding machine. Quiet unpleasant, actually.

Oh, and just because I'm losing some hearing doesn't mean that sound doesn't hurt. Sometimes it means that sound hurts more. Sometimes, the noises that break through the silence hurt because you're not used to those sounds. OR it's because of a phenomenon called "recruitment," which is what happens when one range of sound dies out, and the remaining nerves and cillia from that range are "recruited" to another range that is still working, which makes anything in that range seem louder.

Being Deaf isn't the problem. The problem is the process of your body getting used the the quiet, or how your hearing changes unexpectedly before you go fully deaf. Like having tinnitus or recruitment in different hearing ranges.

Thankfully, I grew up with this, so it doesn't bother me too much. But now I wonder....what does silence sound like?

Considering learning German

...I'm considering something completely insane. Something absolutely illogical... I'm half Deaf with slow hearing loss, and I am actually considering trying to learn spoken German. As if spoken English wasn't hard enough...I'm thinking about trying to learn another spoken language. To be honest, I have good reason, since I know so many people who speak German, and we have close connections with a church in Germany. What I'm really wanting to learn German Sign language, but I don't know anyone who knows it! So I'm actually tempted to go for spoken German. I must be NUTS. But imagine being able to say I'm half Deaf, and am losing my hearing, but I still know three different languages, two of which are spoken. Wouldn't that be AWESOME??! Sort of like, "Can't stop me now! I might be Deaf but I can still speak more languages than most Americans!" But then again, it's completely illogical. I'm half Deaf! It's going to be a royal pain! And....I'm arguing with myself right now! I need someone to be a tie breaker! What do I dooooo??

Fake British Accents and stereotypical boxes

So, have I ever told you that when I'm nervous in a conversation with non-signing strangers, especially when I don't have my hearing aids in, I sometimes I get a random accent? I sometimes sound like I have a fake British accent. Why do I do this? Because I am afraid that, because I can't always hear how I'm pronouncing things, I'm going to pronounce something wrong and they'll make fun of me. So to compensate for this, I OVER enunciate my words, which then sounds a bit British. I also use bigger and more elaborate words, as well.

See, this is what happens when you're half Deaf and you can't just say that you're Deaf, because people will call you a liar, and you can't call yourself hearing because you genuinely can't hear people in many circumstances. You can't be yourself fully, because people try to make you fit into this little box in their heads. "Deaf means you can't hear anything." "Hearing means you're able to hear everything." And I don't accept hard of hearing because it makes me feel like I'm trying really hard to reach the mark of hearing, but I'm failing; which is not the case.

To be honest, I'm just me. I love being half Deaf. It's a quieter world, and I like it. It's part of what makes me me. And I like being half hearing. It connects me to my hearing family, part of which, due to chronic diseases, struggles to learn sign language to communicate with me. And I like music. And I like signing. I like my times of quiet, and sometimes I just like to crank the music up and be loud.

The biggest "problem" with being half Deaf is that people try to put you in a category and then try to define you by that category. And if you stray from the norms of that category, they get mad at you and call you a liar for not fitting into their little box. What if THERE IS NO BOX FOR ME? What if, in order to understand me, you actually have to get to know me?

What if I'm like you? What if I don't want to be defined by your stereotypes any more than you want to be defined by mine? I'm a person, not a label. My life is complex. I will never be able to fit into a box. And honestly, you want to know something? Most people won't fit into a box. Most people are bigger than any box you can come up with.

5 Reasons Why I like Deaf events

I go to Deaf events fairly often. I go to an evening Deaf Bible study, I go to Deaf mall, and a Deaf event at a coffee shop. I work with other Deaf in a school program, subbing for paraeducators with the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. And that's on top of having an ASL class two nights a week, and volunteering as voice cop, sometimes. There are weeks when I use more ASL than I use English.

But Deaf events really stand out as one of the highlights of my week. And here's why:

1. Everyone signs.
They're Deaf, it's kind of a "duh" in this case. However, hearing people don't really get how important that is for someone who is Deaf, Half Deaf, or Hard of Hearing. To most hearing people, it's just another social event, but for us? It's so much more than that.

Being Deaf, Half Deaf, or Hard of Hearing, in most conversations we have, we rely heavily on trying to figure out what a person's lips are saying, combining that with whatever body language they're using, and whatever hearing we do still have. It makes your average conversation a very tense and stressful situation, because I could be nodding my head and smiling to you saying your Dad got in a car accident; which is the exact opposite reaction I should be having. Not only that, but most social events involve groups, and once you have more than two people in a conversation, the whole conversation just disappears into the crowd. 

At a Deaf event, you don't have to hear. In fact, most don't if you go to a Deaf den. Instead of relying on our hearing, or lack thereof, we rely on our vision, which in most cases, is really good. Deaf tend to have very good vision and typically better than average peripheral vision. There are, of course exceptions. But to be in a conversation where we get to use our strongest sense is such a relief.

2. They get us.

When I tell a normal hearing person about how hard it is to talk with another person in English, or about the dumb things hearing people sometimes do or say to me, they don't get it. They just don't. They don't get why it's so frustrating to have someone ask if you're really Deaf. They don't get how it feels to be continuously left out because you can't hear, or how insulting it is to be told that it's rude to sign when other people can't understand you. I tell your average hearing person, and they just ask me why I don't get a CI to fix it; which brings a whole host of problems itself. You can see my thoughts on THAT topic HERE.

But, on the flip side, if I tell a Deaf person how frustrating it is to interact with ASL students who want me to entertain them and carry the conversation, they'll get it and sympathize. If I tell them how lonely I feel at a hearing social event, or how I stood up for my right to use sign language, they'll share their own stories of their struggles. 

3. They have ideas for how to deal with situations 

Deaf or Hard of hearing all share one thing in common; we really can't hear, or at least struggle to hear. Which means that in a hearing world, where everyone is saturated in sound, we do have some struggles, mostly those involving interactions with other people. By talking with other Deaf, we can get advice on how to deal with family situations if our family is hearing, on how to deal with rights violations, and other really important topics that most hearing people are ignorant about, because they don't have to deal with it. I have the right to use ASL. I have the right to reasonable accommodation. I can get help from various organizations. And there are Deaf who can give me a better deal on things than hearing, because we share the same community. Which leads me to the next one:

4. Networking and sharing information

Deaf love networking and sharing information about how to get thing done and they're really good at it. In Deaf culture, if you withhold information, and someone else suffers because if it, their suffering is your responsibility, because you didn't tell them what could have helped them. And because of that, they are good at connecting Deaf to other Deaf who are good at certain jobs, like mechanics, or electricians, or different job positions that they know are available. They are also very good at telling you where to get good deals.

To compare hearing and Deaf culture, here's an example: in hearing culture, if someone says to you, "That's a nice shirt you have. I like it!" your typical response is to merely say "thank you," and move on. In Deaf culture, however, they will tell you where they bought it, how much it cost, and if they've since found a better place to buy it, or multiple places to buy it. 

5. We actually get to meet other Deaf

That seems like a no-brainer, but I can tell you, I almost never see other Deaf outside of a Deaf event. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen other Deaf outside of a Deaf event or outside of my job which actively works with Deaf students and Deaf teachers/paraeducators. To put that in context, in the past two years of growing closer to the Deaf community, I've seen Deaf out side of a Deaf event or Deaf social setting less than five times. That's how rare that is. 

Not only that, Deaf don't carry a sign around with them that says, "Hey, I'm Deaf!" No. Even if we meet another Deaf whom we haven't met before, unless we see them using ASL, we could pass them on the street and never know that they were Deaf like us. So we don't even know all the Deaf in our area, UNLESS we meet them first at a Deaf event or in a Deaf social setting. 

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And there you have it; 5 reasons why I like Deaf events. 

Good things people can do around Deaf

I had a good day a while back, when two people were fantastically patient with me! It was marvelous!

See, when I'm out in public, unless it's very quiet around me or I know the person I'm talking to, I generally don't speak very much. I typically just sign, because I'm tired of saying "what?" over and over again. After a while, you start losing the other person's interest if you say "what?" too many times. If I do speak, I tend to sign at the same time. It helps other people be more patient with me.

But I had two experiences that stood out from the myriads of other difficult conversations. The first was at Safeway. I had gone to the checkout to buy something, and the cashier said something to her coworker, but I missed it. I signed and voiced, asking her what she had said. Her response was to apologize, because she didn't know I had been lip-reading her. She then told me that she had been teasing her coworker, and then proceeded to speak clearly and directly to me, without being condescending. (You Deafies know what I'm talking about. People over-emphasizing their facial expressions to  try to "help" you understand them, and they typically end up contorting their faces into unreadable expressions.) I left a note for her manager, saying what an awesome worker he had.

Then, on the bus ride home from work there was a man sitting across from me listening to his phone. What he didn't know was that his camera light was on, so I signed to him that his light was, indeed, on. He then proceeded to sign, "thank you." I then signed to ask him what he was listening to, and he showed me on his phone. A few stops later, he moved across the aisle to sit next to me and started typing notes to me on his phone, and I did the same. And for the rest of the ride home we talked about music, jobs, deafness (he's going deaf), and other things. It was so cool! He actually made the effort to chat with me about things when I was obviously not going to be able to hear him. That never happens! (And no, he was not interested in dating me. He was WAAAAAY older than me. I just have a funny face that makes people open up more to me.)

And that, my dear readers, is how you make a Deafie's day. Hooray!I dealt with other people that day who were completely ignorant, too, but let's not focus on the negative. I met two really awesome people, and it really made my day. 

Baptism today

Today I was baptized, and it only seems right that I share my testimony here.

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1. Why I Chose to be Baptized

I decided to be baptized to declare to the world that I believe that JESUS CHRIST is the SON of GOD, the only name in heaven and on earth by which we must be saved, and that HE is the only one Who deserves all glory, honor, adoration and praise. This is my testimony,

2. Who I was and why I wasn’t saved

1. I grew up in what we considered to be a Christian home. I didn't do drugs, I dressed fairly modestly, and went to church every week. I'd said the "prayer," I knew my Bible fairly well, and had all the good Christian answers. But I wasn't saved. And here's why:

2. Bad theology

1. I believed that I could be unsaved at any point in time. The concept of progressive sanctification was unknown to me.
2. I knew I was sinful, but the utter magnitude of how far I was from saving myself was something I hadn't even begun to grasp.
3. I was constantly searching for what I was missing. I knew something was missing from my salvation. I think I was driving my parents nuts, because they insisted I was saved.
4. I never understood how Jews and Romans killing JESUS saved me. It didn't make sense to me.
5. I only trusted the Old Testament, but the New Testament was something I did not trust. Therefore, the salvation represented in it was something I could not grasp.
6. And I thought the gospel, as it had been presented to me was merely the gateway into Christianity, which I then graduated from, upon salvation, to better and higher theological topic. The gospel was never central to me, and, in fact, it wasn't important to me. It was just a backup, "get out of jail free pass" in case I couldn't just make myself look good enough to GOD, and with the hope that JESUS would clean up my messes, while GOD would only look at my good stuff.

3. What changed?
1. I started coming here and sat under good theological teaching, and I had a mentor. Pastor's sermons gave me constant exposure to the full truth of the Gospel, and slowly, the HOLY SPIRIT began working in my heart.

2. Correct theology was one of the most important things for me. It really changed my life. Here's what changed.

1. I am now convinced of the divine inspiration of Scripture as being wholly and completely GOD breathed. Men wrote as they were led by the HOLY SPIRIT, and thus all of the Bible is the divinely inspired Word of GOD. This trust has led me to these following convictions, which I pray will continue to change my life throughout my life.
2. I am sinful, both in my human nature, and positionally, since Adam was my representative before GOD. Not only that, My heart is deceptively wicked, and it is a idol factory. There is nothing good in me, in and of myself. I am capable of any and every sin, and I am not better than any other sinner (though pride sometimes makes me feel like it).
3. The reason why CHRIST's death pays for my salvation is that, on the cross, GOD's justice against me was appeased because HE poured out on JESUS the fullness of HIS wrath against me. And now, I am covered in the righteousness of CHRIST, and am now positionally perfect in the sight of GOD, though the reality of my life has not yet been made perfect.
4. Salvation is not like a driver's license, which can be lost at any time for bad behavior. CHRIST died once and for all for all of my sin. I do not need to be judicially made right to GOD, but I am still accountable to HIM as HE is my LORD and MASTER. I will never have to stand before HIM, utterly condemned and accursed. My sin is removed from me as far as the East is from the West.
5. And the GOSPEL isn't just the moment of salvation, to be cast aside after I'm saved. It is the heart of all life.

3. This process was long. I prayed and wrestled with it for a long time. However, on August 9th, Sunday morning in church, I don't know how, but by the power of GOD, I realized that I was saved for all time. I was not condemned, not guilty, but instead, right before GOD. I don't know how it happened, but now I believe.

4. How does this salvation play out in my life?
1. I am assured of my salvation. I'm not searching for a way to be saved any more. While I still don't fully understand the full implications of the Gospel, I understand enough to be saved, and I hope to grow more in the knowledge of it every day.
2. I am seeking to grow in obedience and discipline. Sometimes I fall, sometimes I stand. But I keep growing. There's no turning back.
3. I now trust the Scriptures. That is something I haven't done since I was a child.
4. Apparently, according to my parents, I have a consistently better attitude at home now, too.
5. Now that I'm saved, I'm taking this step of obedience, and am openly asking for your prayers. I know I'm utterly sinful in my flesh, and every day is battle against my sin, but I'm taking this stand in obedience to CHRIST.

Living a double life on the Deaf and hearing fence

I wake up in the morning to the feeling of my alarm, shaking and vibrating my bed. I hear the low rumbling as I stagger from my bed to my alarm clock as I hit the snooze button. I'll probably hit it twice. I crawl back in bed in the eerie green glow from my alarm clock. Light highlights the cracks of my bedroom door. I know Mum and Dad are awake.

When I finally emerge from my room and bathroom, to our main family room, the room is bright; brighter than my almost pitch black bedroom. The constant noise of Mum and Dad's bathroom fan annoys me as I walk out of my room. It helps with their tinnitus, but it only annoys mine. My tinnitus isn't high; it sounds like someone shoved my head into a machine room where someone tossed a ton of rocks into the machines. When my ears ring I can almost feel them vibrating, like there's more sound coming from my head than there is going into my head. There is very little that can touch how low the humming is. Thankfully, I don't generally mind it. I don't even know how much I hear it, since it seems to be the backdrop of my world.

I'm greeted by my Mum and Dad with a cheerful good morning. I wander into the kitchen to use our keurig, and I listen to the sounds of the machine sputtering and spitting. The world sounds noisy to me, but apparently I'm missing quite a bit. Though, the spluttering sounds from the coffee maker and the whining, almost static of the bathroom fan don't really leave me with a desire to hear more. More noise just sounds annoying.

Throughout the day, I hear things dropped or moved. Dad talks to me. I crank my music up loud so I can enjoy it.  If I can't figure out where a sound is coming from, the cat probably knows, and if she's ok with it then it's probably nothing to worry about. Only occasionally do I have to ask Mum and Dad to repeat themselves, though this is occurring more often, and I struggle to hear anything outside of the room I'm in. But if you just met me and saw me in my home, you'd think I was normal.

But put me in a crowd or a group and everything changes. My eyes flit from face to face. I tilt my head to understand and hear better, and across my face spreads a half understanding smile. I can feel the pressure in my chest rising, as I beat down my frustration at being pushed out of a conversation by other people. Their words jumble off their lips like marbles, as I switch from looking at one face and mouth to the next. I catch a sentence here and there. Words flutter past, some clearer than others. The more people, the more I can't understand. And the further away they are, or the louder the crowd, or the more people in the group, the more they just blend into the backdrop of static and murmuring. I look away and I understand nothing. It's amazing how much my eyes play into how much I understand of what is said. And I feel alone in a crowd, often times of people I love.

But then I go to a Deaf event. I see hands flying. Facial expressions clarify the meanings of what is said. I don't have to struggle to hear what is said; I see it. If I ask for clarification, no one rolls their eyes or tells me to ask later. I have equal access to what is said, same as everyone else. And I watch as the hands of the signer across me flies in front of them, creating concepts and ideas and building pictures within the space in front of them as they tell stories, or relate their histories, or share their dreams for the future. My hands fly too, as I relate my stories, or my history, or my dreams, or whatever we are talking about at that instance. And all around me are people who understand what it's like to be left out, and willingly include me.

And I am caught in a place where I feel like I am neither Deaf, nor hearing, but am both. My day to day life I live in the hearing world with a hearing family. I am expected to act and speak in the norms of the society around me. But then, in those few precious hours when I am with the Deaf, I am free to act as Deaf. I am free to be Deaf and not play the role of being hearing. And I know then that I am Deaf. But when I leave, I am only hard of hearing, or hearing impaired, or at most, half Deaf; I'm expected to function as hearing as I possibly can. And I'm stuck in two worlds, two cultures, and it is a life that is very different from anything I ever dreamed I would have. And some days it is hard, and other days it is easier. But I never stop feeling this strain of being expected to be two things at once.