Update in September 2019

Life has been very busy, so updates have been sparse.

Mum is still battling cancer, and recently had a short fight with neutropenia (dangerously low white blood cell count) that put her chemo on hold for a week or so. They did a CT scan and found no new cancer cells in her abdomen, so praise the LORD. She is going back on chemo now, and we hope she'll be through in December. Please keep her in your prayers.

Dad has been struggling some more MS issues, though I am not sure how much I'm at liberty to say. Suffice to say, he needs prayers as well.

As for myself, I have found an asthma medication that has helped me immensely and am no longer requiring a mask, and have only used my inhaler once in the past month. Praise GOD for HIS goodness in providing me with a medication that helps!  We still don't know what's wrong with me as far as stiff and painful muscles during cold weather, and I've also been having vision issues. I have no real answers to give right now on these issues.

Other extended family members are dealing with health issues as well, one with an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder, another with a severe infection that has put them in the hospital, and another with an upcoming surgery to repair a broken joint that has already had multiple corrective surgeries. Some of these family members are older and frail and need your prayers.

I will be very honest with you and state that right now, my world feels like it's on fire, and like I am losing almost everything. I feel very much overwhelmed, even to the point of breaking. This is hard. Harder than anything I have ever been through in my entire life. 

And yet, as I feel like my world is burning, the more I gaze at GOD, the more I find that, even in this fire, there is hope. My world isn't entirely in flames. HE stays the same. HE is unchanging. HE will never die or leave me. HE will never abandon me. The outcome is sure; HE will reign, now and forever.

My walk with HIM is far from perfect, yet while I gaze at HIM, I find I cannot despair. How can I? HE is my hope. Not just the hope of Heaven at the end of this life, but HE HIMSELF is my hope. The more HE fills my mind, this unchanging, faithful GOD, the less I can despair. The more HE fills my thoughts, the more I think on HIS majesty, HIS glory, HIS power, the mystery of this incomprehensible GOD WHO has condescended to let us know HIM in part, WHO reconciled us to HIMSELF by the blood of HIS SON, the more I find I cannot despair for I have HIM. I cannot even begin to explain this supernatural hope in the midst of this storm. 

Could it be that this time of testing, of grieving, and even possible loss, could be to reveal to us more fully the complete sufficiency of GOD for all our needs until we truly find in HIM our all in all? Could it be that the purpose of this storm in our lives is to take from us all we cling to, until we find ourselves only with HIM, and find that HE is more than enough? Is this suffering what it takes to finally know GOD as intimately as we long to know HIM? Could this firey trial be what it takes to purify us to draw ever closer to HIM? To strip away the false idols, the things we cling to in place of HIM, so that HE might give us HIMSELF? 

I believe, even now, I can honestly say that if it is the will of GOD to draw us to HIMSELF through suffering, it is worth it. It is worth it to lose all that I have if it gives me HIM. It is worth it to lose all that I hold dear, if HE will give me HIMSELF in place of it. I am learning I can give up any sense of having my family, trusting them completely into HIS hands, even into death, because HE is wholly good and can be trusted. Have I learned this perfectly? No. It is easier to say than to believe minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. But I am learning this. And I pray that I learn it well, and never forget it. 

Update June 2019

It has been a VERY long time since I posted a blog update on my life. It's been a crazy year, and I suppose it's time to bring everybody up to speed. So, here are what's happened since I last posted.

My aunt, who had been battling cancer for several years moved in with us in 2017. Sadly, she passed away in December of 2018. We held a memorial for her at our church with friends and family in attendance. She was brave and battled her cancer for many years, and even until the very last days, she was a trooper. She was one of the most courageous women I've ever met. I didn't know her long, but she was an unforgettable woman. She will be remembered for a very very long time. 

Mum was diagnosed in May of this year with cancer, and has had two surgeries to remove cancerous growths in her abdomen. They have found four of her lymph nodes are cancerous as well, so she will have to undergo chemo after she's recovered from surgery. The doctors are planning to completely eradicate the cancer, so the prognosis for her is good, but she has a long road ahead. Her cheerful attitude makes her a delight to be around, and I wish I could be half as cheerful as she is. She spent a great deal of time in the hospital recovering from the surgeries as well as dealing with surgery complications, so we are very glad she is back home and recovering well. We are so grateful to GOD that HE has undeniably guided this process. HIS hand has been in it from the beginning, and we trust that HE will see it to the end. 

Dad's MS seems to be at a halt at this point, with little to no progression of the disease, so it may be done progressing. Autoimmune things that start before middle age just sometimes stop for no reason when people reach their mid 50s-early 60s. This seems to be what is happening with Dad, and we are SO grateful for this. He has been able to go off some dangerous medications that were holding the MS in check, he's been able to decrease pain meds, and he's having many more good days than bad. We praise GOD for this reprieve. 

I have been diagnosed with non-epileptic seizures, which is why I shake so much. Apparently, I have not processed stress in an appropriate way, and it has caused stressed based seizures, so I have been learning to deal with my stress in a more appropriate way. Just in case anyone was wondering, pretending you're not stressed out is not an appropriate way to deal with stress. That's why I shake. Don't follow my example, use me as a warning. Deal with your stress. Pray, journal, talk about it, give it to the LORD, but don't pretend it doesn't exist. Believe me, the consequences of not dealing with it are far more unpleasant than actually writing out your problems, praying about them, and facing them. Running from them gives them a chance to catch up to you in VERY unpleasant ways. 

As always, asthma and allergies continue to be a problem. I am still searching for a medication that clears up my lungs enough to walk around during the summer without a mask. Hopefully I'll have something in the next month that works. It'd be nice to be able to go outside and pick flowers or take photos again. I've actually begun dreaming at night about going out and picking flowers and hang drying them. I REALLY miss going outside in the summer. I used to be outside all the time, walking to the library, or going places on my bike. Being stuck inside all spring and summer is...difficult. The world is so beautiful, and I feel like I'm missing it. At least I have my autumns.