Update in September 2019

Life has been very busy, so updates have been sparse.

Mum is still battling cancer, and recently had a short fight with neutropenia (dangerously low white blood cell count) that put her chemo on hold for a week or so. They did a CT scan and found no new cancer cells in her abdomen, so praise the LORD. She is going back on chemo now, and we hope she'll be through in December. Please keep her in your prayers.

Dad has been struggling some more MS issues, though I am not sure how much I'm at liberty to say. Suffice to say, he needs prayers as well.

As for myself, I have found an asthma medication that has helped me immensely and am no longer requiring a mask, and have only used my inhaler once in the past month. Praise GOD for HIS goodness in providing me with a medication that helps!  We still don't know what's wrong with me as far as stiff and painful muscles during cold weather, and I've also been having vision issues. I have no real answers to give right now on these issues.

Other extended family members are dealing with health issues as well, one with an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder, another with a severe infection that has put them in the hospital, and another with an upcoming surgery to repair a broken joint that has already had multiple corrective surgeries. Some of these family members are older and frail and need your prayers.

I will be very honest with you and state that right now, my world feels like it's on fire, and like I am losing almost everything. I feel very much overwhelmed, even to the point of breaking. This is hard. Harder than anything I have ever been through in my entire life. 

And yet, as I feel like my world is burning, the more I gaze at GOD, the more I find that, even in this fire, there is hope. My world isn't entirely in flames. HE stays the same. HE is unchanging. HE will never die or leave me. HE will never abandon me. The outcome is sure; HE will reign, now and forever.

My walk with HIM is far from perfect, yet while I gaze at HIM, I find I cannot despair. How can I? HE is my hope. Not just the hope of Heaven at the end of this life, but HE HIMSELF is my hope. The more HE fills my mind, this unchanging, faithful GOD, the less I can despair. The more HE fills my thoughts, the more I think on HIS majesty, HIS glory, HIS power, the mystery of this incomprehensible GOD WHO has condescended to let us know HIM in part, WHO reconciled us to HIMSELF by the blood of HIS SON, the more I find I cannot despair for I have HIM. I cannot even begin to explain this supernatural hope in the midst of this storm. 

Could it be that this time of testing, of grieving, and even possible loss, could be to reveal to us more fully the complete sufficiency of GOD for all our needs until we truly find in HIM our all in all? Could it be that the purpose of this storm in our lives is to take from us all we cling to, until we find ourselves only with HIM, and find that HE is more than enough? Is this suffering what it takes to finally know GOD as intimately as we long to know HIM? Could this firey trial be what it takes to purify us to draw ever closer to HIM? To strip away the false idols, the things we cling to in place of HIM, so that HE might give us HIMSELF? 

I believe, even now, I can honestly say that if it is the will of GOD to draw us to HIMSELF through suffering, it is worth it. It is worth it to lose all that I have if it gives me HIM. It is worth it to lose all that I hold dear, if HE will give me HIMSELF in place of it. I am learning I can give up any sense of having my family, trusting them completely into HIS hands, even into death, because HE is wholly good and can be trusted. Have I learned this perfectly? No. It is easier to say than to believe minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. But I am learning this. And I pray that I learn it well, and never forget it. 

Wishes...do come true sometimes.

It's been over a year since I last posted, and it's been a tough year. A lot of things have happened in the past year or so, some good, some really hard. I've been finding how faithful GOD is in the hard times, and how sweet HIS goodness is in the good times.

I look back at the past post I made, of wanting others to know sign language, longing for others to learn it just so I could feel like family. Feeling so alone and struggling hard to understand. It was a sad and lonely post from a sad and lonely girl.

Tonight, though, was one of the sweetest moments of my life, aside from being saved. Tonight, I felt precious and valued by my church family, like I wasn't just another face in a crowd, but someone they cared about.

My church had a Christmas play that some of the young ladies and the kids put on. It was lovely, with beautiful music, wonderful lyrics, Scripture, and just a lovely evening. I got to sit up in the front row with my Pastor and his wife in some reserved seats. I thought they were reserved for some of the kids to be able to sit down for different parts, or the Pastor's family. Oddly enough, no kids really sat down in the row, aside from one girl, who sat right next to me.

The first song had a little bit of sign language with it. Not fluent sign at all, just simple things that can be taught to a large group of kids who have to learn a LOT of songs. (SO...MANY...SONGS. I'm AMAZED!) I started getting teary, because it was so sweet, but the song was over quickly, so I managed not to bawl.

It was really cute, and I kept waiting for more sign language. Towards the end, I kinda stopped waiting for sign language because I figured they'd just not been able to teach any more signs to the kids on top of all the songs they'd learned. It was still pretty cool!

There were a few songs we had to sing as a congregation, and since I was in the middle of a group, I was stuck holding the lyrics for three other people, and I couldn't sign. Sooo, I had to sing, which I am REALLY not comfortable doing in a large group since, y'know, I'm half Deaf. I think I warbled off key quite a few times. Oh, my poor Pastor and his wife...they were right next to me and had to hear me.

The last song, "Silent Night," we all stood up to sing, and as I looked up, the girl sitting next to me, and three other girls, suddenly moved to the part of the stage that was directly in front of me. And as I watched, all four of them started signing the first verse to "Silent Night" in perfect ASL.

I was...dumbstruck. I cried. I kid you not. I BAWLED. I could not stop crying for the song. These amazing, talented young ladies just blew me away with their kindness in making me feel welcome and a part of our church family.

I felt so valued, so appreciated, so loved, so PRECIOUS! I felt like I was with family. I...I'm still crying right now just thinking of it. I felt like there is a place just for me in my church. I don't have to leave my church if I go fully Deaf. I don't need to rely on an interpreter. I have friends who are learning sign language in my church, and who make me feel like I'm precious to them. Like my wants, my needs, matter.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do not think I could ever find a more amazing church than the one I have.

 Oh, and those reserved seats? The ones up in the front row? They were for me and the other Deaf gal at my church. They were so we could hear better, lip read more clearly, and see the last song signed just for us. They were for us, so we could be a part of it, too.

GOD is Gracious to me

I was just thinking tonight how gracious GOD has been to me  as I seem to be slowly losing my hearing on my one good side. HE has been so kind to me in my deafness.

Instead of letting me go suddenly deaf, hearing nothing in an instant, HE has slowly let me grow accustomed to my hearing loss. My hearing is fading so slowly that we can only see it over the space of 6 years. What a gracious thing that is from GOD!

Think of it. What if I'd gone from being fully hearing in one ear, to being completely deaf in that ear in an instant? Can you imagine the shock? The fear? It was scary enough realizing I was losing my hearing slowly in my one hearing ear, can you imagine the terror if I suddenly had no communication with my family other than writing? Some people DO go deaf that quickly, from sickness or a sudden blow to the head. That could have been me!

Instead, GOD has been so good to me! HE's letting this happen slowly. I have time to adjust, time to get comfortable for it. I have time to prepare for increasing hearing loss. I have had time to learn ASL so that I can communicate when I can't hear what people are saying. I have had time to tell my family what is going on and to discuss plans for how to communicate with me in the future! I have had time to start making ties to the Deaf community and gain support in that community! There have been so many things I am able to do in this time GOD is giving me!

GOD is so gracious! How many people get this chance? And how many get the chance to ease into it, so that the changes are gradual and easier to get used to?  It's a blessing from GOD!

Baptism today

Today I was baptized, and it only seems right that I share my testimony here.

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1. Why I Chose to be Baptized

I decided to be baptized to declare to the world that I believe that JESUS CHRIST is the SON of GOD, the only name in heaven and on earth by which we must be saved, and that HE is the only one Who deserves all glory, honor, adoration and praise. This is my testimony,

2. Who I was and why I wasn’t saved

1. I grew up in what we considered to be a Christian home. I didn't do drugs, I dressed fairly modestly, and went to church every week. I'd said the "prayer," I knew my Bible fairly well, and had all the good Christian answers. But I wasn't saved. And here's why:

2. Bad theology

1. I believed that I could be unsaved at any point in time. The concept of progressive sanctification was unknown to me.
2. I knew I was sinful, but the utter magnitude of how far I was from saving myself was something I hadn't even begun to grasp.
3. I was constantly searching for what I was missing. I knew something was missing from my salvation. I think I was driving my parents nuts, because they insisted I was saved.
4. I never understood how Jews and Romans killing JESUS saved me. It didn't make sense to me.
5. I only trusted the Old Testament, but the New Testament was something I did not trust. Therefore, the salvation represented in it was something I could not grasp.
6. And I thought the gospel, as it had been presented to me was merely the gateway into Christianity, which I then graduated from, upon salvation, to better and higher theological topic. The gospel was never central to me, and, in fact, it wasn't important to me. It was just a backup, "get out of jail free pass" in case I couldn't just make myself look good enough to GOD, and with the hope that JESUS would clean up my messes, while GOD would only look at my good stuff.

3. What changed?
1. I started coming here and sat under good theological teaching, and I had a mentor. Pastor's sermons gave me constant exposure to the full truth of the Gospel, and slowly, the HOLY SPIRIT began working in my heart.

2. Correct theology was one of the most important things for me. It really changed my life. Here's what changed.

1. I am now convinced of the divine inspiration of Scripture as being wholly and completely GOD breathed. Men wrote as they were led by the HOLY SPIRIT, and thus all of the Bible is the divinely inspired Word of GOD. This trust has led me to these following convictions, which I pray will continue to change my life throughout my life.
2. I am sinful, both in my human nature, and positionally, since Adam was my representative before GOD. Not only that, My heart is deceptively wicked, and it is a idol factory. There is nothing good in me, in and of myself. I am capable of any and every sin, and I am not better than any other sinner (though pride sometimes makes me feel like it).
3. The reason why CHRIST's death pays for my salvation is that, on the cross, GOD's justice against me was appeased because HE poured out on JESUS the fullness of HIS wrath against me. And now, I am covered in the righteousness of CHRIST, and am now positionally perfect in the sight of GOD, though the reality of my life has not yet been made perfect.
4. Salvation is not like a driver's license, which can be lost at any time for bad behavior. CHRIST died once and for all for all of my sin. I do not need to be judicially made right to GOD, but I am still accountable to HIM as HE is my LORD and MASTER. I will never have to stand before HIM, utterly condemned and accursed. My sin is removed from me as far as the East is from the West.
5. And the GOSPEL isn't just the moment of salvation, to be cast aside after I'm saved. It is the heart of all life.

3. This process was long. I prayed and wrestled with it for a long time. However, on August 9th, Sunday morning in church, I don't know how, but by the power of GOD, I realized that I was saved for all time. I was not condemned, not guilty, but instead, right before GOD. I don't know how it happened, but now I believe.

4. How does this salvation play out in my life?
1. I am assured of my salvation. I'm not searching for a way to be saved any more. While I still don't fully understand the full implications of the Gospel, I understand enough to be saved, and I hope to grow more in the knowledge of it every day.
2. I am seeking to grow in obedience and discipline. Sometimes I fall, sometimes I stand. But I keep growing. There's no turning back.
3. I now trust the Scriptures. That is something I haven't done since I was a child.
4. Apparently, according to my parents, I have a consistently better attitude at home now, too.
5. Now that I'm saved, I'm taking this step of obedience, and am openly asking for your prayers. I know I'm utterly sinful in my flesh, and every day is battle against my sin, but I'm taking this stand in obedience to CHRIST.