Wishes...do come true sometimes.

It's been over a year since I last posted, and it's been a tough year. A lot of things have happened in the past year or so, some good, some really hard. I've been finding how faithful GOD is in the hard times, and how sweet HIS goodness is in the good times.

I look back at the past post I made, of wanting others to know sign language, longing for others to learn it just so I could feel like family. Feeling so alone and struggling hard to understand. It was a sad and lonely post from a sad and lonely girl.

Tonight, though, was one of the sweetest moments of my life, aside from being saved. Tonight, I felt precious and valued by my church family, like I wasn't just another face in a crowd, but someone they cared about.

My church had a Christmas play that some of the young ladies and the kids put on. It was lovely, with beautiful music, wonderful lyrics, Scripture, and just a lovely evening. I got to sit up in the front row with my Pastor and his wife in some reserved seats. I thought they were reserved for some of the kids to be able to sit down for different parts, or the Pastor's family. Oddly enough, no kids really sat down in the row, aside from one girl, who sat right next to me.

The first song had a little bit of sign language with it. Not fluent sign at all, just simple things that can be taught to a large group of kids who have to learn a LOT of songs. (SO...MANY...SONGS. I'm AMAZED!) I started getting teary, because it was so sweet, but the song was over quickly, so I managed not to bawl.

It was really cute, and I kept waiting for more sign language. Towards the end, I kinda stopped waiting for sign language because I figured they'd just not been able to teach any more signs to the kids on top of all the songs they'd learned. It was still pretty cool!

There were a few songs we had to sing as a congregation, and since I was in the middle of a group, I was stuck holding the lyrics for three other people, and I couldn't sign. Sooo, I had to sing, which I am REALLY not comfortable doing in a large group since, y'know, I'm half Deaf. I think I warbled off key quite a few times. Oh, my poor Pastor and his wife...they were right next to me and had to hear me.

The last song, "Silent Night," we all stood up to sing, and as I looked up, the girl sitting next to me, and three other girls, suddenly moved to the part of the stage that was directly in front of me. And as I watched, all four of them started signing the first verse to "Silent Night" in perfect ASL.

I was...dumbstruck. I cried. I kid you not. I BAWLED. I could not stop crying for the song. These amazing, talented young ladies just blew me away with their kindness in making me feel welcome and a part of our church family.

I felt so valued, so appreciated, so loved, so PRECIOUS! I felt like I was with family. I...I'm still crying right now just thinking of it. I felt like there is a place just for me in my church. I don't have to leave my church if I go fully Deaf. I don't need to rely on an interpreter. I have friends who are learning sign language in my church, and who make me feel like I'm precious to them. Like my wants, my needs, matter.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do not think I could ever find a more amazing church than the one I have.

 Oh, and those reserved seats? The ones up in the front row? They were for me and the other Deaf gal at my church. They were so we could hear better, lip read more clearly, and see the last song signed just for us. They were for us, so we could be a part of it, too.

I wish you knew ASL

Did you ever have something that you wanted so much that it almost hurts? And as much as you want it, you're afraid to hope for it because it will probably never happen? I do.

You all know that I'm culturally Deaf, and physically quite hard of hearing. Because of that, conversations with people are difficult and often stressful. Especially in a crowd, it makes it so difficult. And the louder the crowd gets, the more stressed out I am in conversations, until the point where I can no longer hear what the other people are saying.

Sometimes, I let myself dream of what it'd be like for someone to learn ASL just for me. Just so I don't have to struggle. Sometimes I let myself hope that maybe, one day, I could walk into church and my friends start signing with me, so I don't have to struggle to understand them. And every time I do, I get tears in my eyes, because I don't think that it will ever happen.

People think, because I can talk, that just talking with me includes me. Oh, I wish they knew how much I long to talk with them in ASL! It's so hard to use English when it's loud! People think I cope really well, but they don't know how much I have to let slide, or how much guessing I have to do to carry on a conversation. It's like trying to figure out a code in 5 seconds or less, and every time they speak, I have to figure out a new code, and then respond appropriately. I have gotten very good at the 'smile and nod' response.

 I often wonder how different my relationships would be if I could simply walk up to anyone in church and carry on a conversation. Instead, I have to pick and choose who I talk to based on who I can hear. The group of people in church who I know well is very small, because there are so few people I can hear or speak with easily, and there are very few times where I can speak to them in a quiet environment.

Recently I made the mistake of introducing myself to the Pastor's niece (whose dad is also an elder), thinking she was new to the church, and I wanted to make her feel welcome. Imagine my embarrassment when I realized who she was! And it was entirely because I had never spoken with her because she too quiet for me to hear easily.

 Honestly, I wish everyone knew ASL. But I really wish my friends and family knew it. I miss so much of their lives and of what's important to them, simply because I miss what they're saying.

If someone learned ASL for me, I think I'd cry. You have no idea how much I want that.